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03.03.08 10:05 #1
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natasha666 ist offline
Beiträge: 265
Seit: 23.07.07
Why old woman killed young man?



Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

LG, Natasha

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ADo ist offline
Weiblich ADo
Beiträge: 3.118
Seit: 06.09.04

danke für den Lacher am Mittag

Niveau ist keine Hautcreme!

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natasha666 ist offline
Themenstarter Beiträge: 265
Seit: 23.07.07
Hallo ADo,

Freut mich, dass es dir gefällt.

Die besten Witze sind die schmutzigsten. Jemand kann denken, uns fehlt nichts aber mit gutem Witz macht man mir immer die Freude. Auch dann, wenn ich am Sterbebett bin.

LG, Natasha

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SkyGirl ist offline
Beiträge: 1.793
Seit: 28.10.05
DER war echt gut!!!!!
... aus Wunden werden Wunder!

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natasha666 ist offline
Themenstarter Beiträge: 265
Seit: 23.07.07
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink
with the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws the
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to

He Says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in
one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots
the Mexican and the Iraqi.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,
she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that
we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints
received by the firm in recent years:

1 On my holiday to Goain India, I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

2 The beach was too sandy.

3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he
was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4 It rained on my birthday.

5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store
does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7 It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I
often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be

8 We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros from a street trader,
only to find out they were fake.

9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the
same as at home.

10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort.
It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

One day 3 guys got stranded on an island, and they were captured
by cannibals. They begged for their lives, and the king cannibal said,
"Ok I'll give you 2 trials. I'll tell you the first one now and the
second one later. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind."

So they set off to get their fruits. The first guy came back to the
king with 10 apples. The king says, "Ok now you have to shove them up
your ass without flinching or anything." So he shoves the first one up
the guy's ass but on the second one he flinches so they eat him and he
goes to heaven. The second guys comes and the king tells him the 2nd
trial. He has berries, so he shoves 9 up his ass and on the last one
he laughs so they eat him and he goes to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven the first guy
says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh? You coulda lived!" and the
second guy says, I was fine until I saw the third guy coming with all
those watermelons!"
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the
frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for
certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up
an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person
to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able
to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is
grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?"
Again the answer is no.

"Twice a week?"

"Twice a month?"


The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the
man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his place.
She informs him that her services will cost him a grand
total of $5. The man gladly hands over the money and they
dance the horizontal mambo.

A few days later the man is visiting his doctor and
discovers that he has crabs. The man storms out of the

office to find the hooker. She's on the same street corner
where he picked her up before. He runs to her and screams,
"You gave me crabs!"

She replies, "For five dollars what were you expecting

Geändert von natasha666 (14.03.08 um 18:13 Uhr) Grund: Es war Fehler!

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natasha666 ist offline
Themenstarter Beiträge: 265
Seit: 23.07.07
Hier noch etwas:

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men,
who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.


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Horaz ist offline
in memoriam
Beiträge: 5.730
Seit: 05.10.06
Reim auf Timbuktu

Ein Geistlicher und ein australischer Schafhirte treten bei einem Quiz gegeneinander an. Nach Ablauf der regulären Fragerunde steht es unentschieden, und der Moderator der Sendung stellt die Stichfrage:
Schaffen sie es innerhalb von 5 Minuten einen Vers auf das Wort "Timbuktu" zu reimen?

Die beiden Kandidaten ziehen sich zurück. Nach 5 Minuten tritt der Geistliche vor das Publikum und stellt sein Werk vor:

"I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu."
Das Publikum ist begeistert und wähnt den Kirchenmann bereits als den sicheren Sieger.

Doch da tritt der australische Schafhirte vor und dichtet:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two."

Viele Grüße, Horaz

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Ludwig der Traeumer ist offline
Beiträge: 173
Seit: 17.08.10

der ist auch nicht blöder:

Drei Schiffsbrüchige landen auf einer einsamen Insel und spielen jeden Tag 18 Std. Skat.
Kommt eine Fee vorbei und bietet jedem an, einen Wunsch zu erfüllen.

Der Erste will sofort nach Hause zu seiner Familie, nie mehr Insel.
Schwupp - weg ist er.

Der Zweite will sofort in seine Stammkneipe auf der Reeperbahn, nie mehr Insel.
Schwupp - weg ist er.

Der Dritte schaut sein Skatblatt an und sagt: „Ich habe einen Grand mit vieren und will sofort meine zwei Mitspieler wieder.“
Schupp - da sind sie wieder.
gibt dir das Leben eine Zitrone, mach Limonade daraus.

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Polarwind ist offline
Beiträge: 561
Seit: 11.02.10
Hab jetzt nicht alles gelesen, aber den ersten Witz find ich schon total räudig. Den mit den Einwanderern erschießen find ich auch total daneben!

Ausgewähltes aus Humor
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